Tonight’s topic just suddenly came to me as I stayed up late waiting for the excitement of a new day.
What does it mean to grieve?
Grief that feeling you get when you have lost something and then try to find a new normal. We grieve for the things that people expect us to as well as for things for the fear of knowing that we will never fully understand the true meaning of the feeling that we keep holding onto. There can be three people who all experience the same generic situation, but yet everyone is going to have a different outlook on it. We mentally tell ourselves over and over again that everything will be okay, but yet we can feel the regret in our words as we try to keep our eyes open just for that little light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes some of us are lucky enough to see it right away. Other times, most of us find ourselves wandering and stumbling through the darkness reaching for the wall to slowly guide us.
Eventually we come to the realization that we’ve made it through the darkness. We’ve overcome what our subconscious mind was trying to keep us from finding. The tricky thing about grieving is that it’s an emotional pain. You can easily feel the physical discomfort of when your bone breaks, but once the wound is healed your mind has shut down that memory. You may remember everything about it, perhaps the words that flew out of your mouth, or what the doctor told you. But you don’t remember the physical feeling of your bone breaking. You shut it down immediately because it was an awful experience, so why would you want to remember it in the first place. However, the minute your heart is broken, or you become embarrassed, that broken feeling comes back to you quicker than you can handle. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself that you’re okay and that you’re happy. All it takes is one bad memory to bring you the pain that you’ve been telling yourself to forget. It seems that at any moment, you can bring that feeling back no matter how badly you’ve prayed for it to be removed, you’ve prayed for the feeling to go away but yet at any second it can still bring tears to your eyes and ache to your heart.
These are the things I think about in the middle of the night. I stay up curious to know how others have overcome some of the most difficult times in their lives. In the end, the process is always the same: one day at a time.